“I wanted to explore a change. Unbeknownst to me, something else happened.”-abk
In the almost 4 years since the abk journey began, I could list for you a zillion external changes that I have made. They are rather obvious. As such, I have very little interest in making that list.
However, in that same time frame, an equal amount, if not more, internal changes have occurred, and that is the crux of where this journey always was and still is headed. On this topic, I would love to share.
If you read with any regularity, you may notice these words and phrases repeated often: life without categories, freedom as the goal, disdain for rigid routine, among others.
This is because I am interested more and more in really only one thing: life! Let me explain.
For our whole lives, we are told certain words that describe a certain external path to success: college, career, money, title, advancement, marriage, kids, religion, power, accolades, retirement, death, so on.
Interestingly, this set of instructions rarely, if ever, mentions free thinking, creativity, self, happiness, purpose, potential and the unlimited internal journey.
I knew there had to be another path, and one that I wanted, not the one that Jedediah from 1853 recommended. I’m glad I finally found the courage to pursue it.
Until I found it on my own…until I found it with the immense help of friends, family, and complete strangers…until life pointed it my way, I had never been aware of or receptive to a great internal inquiry, namely body, mind, emotion, and energy. That if I could inquire within, work on myself, fully understand myself, and pay attention to life (that word again), all of that other stuff would arrange itself into life as the universe deemed fit.
I can understand if you think that sounds a little naive, but I’ve seen it, felt it, learned it, done it. Better yet, I’m constantly in the process of doing it now.
We’ve all met someone who is full of life. Always pleasant. Always at ease. Everyone wants to be around them. It’s an intriguing possibility, for sure.
I remember when I began to see life not only in people, but also in animals, sunsets, and trees. Seeing a deer or an alligator, watching a full moon, and seeing autumn leaves made me feel a certain way. I thought to myself, I think we’ve got life a little backwards.
One night in 2020, I was out on the course, and the sunset was bananas. I remember thinking to myself, I may be on to something here.
Yet there were times, even here recently, where I would be out on the course in the middle of nature, and I still would get mad at myself for making a simple mistake. I knew I wasn’t there yet. I knew there was more work to be done. I knew there was great possibility ahead.
You would think the past two years specifically would have taken a toll on me physically, but I feel more alive than I ever have. The 494 days of golf have certainly made me sore. The not sleeping in my own bed has made me sore. The having no carpet to lay down on and stretch has made me sore. Thus has been the importance of the body, mind, emotion, and energy internal focus. Without it, this particular journey would be borderline impossible. With this, it has become limitless.
As such, I anticipate 2021 to be the biggest transformation year yet, though it may be invisible to the untrained eye. What’s the goal? Increased attention paid to life. That’s all.
I’m going to try lots of new things. Here recently, I’ve started doing more intense mental work, primarily for the golf journey. I’ve begun doing breathing work. Next week, Christy and I will have a new house, a big bed again, and I’ll have a little stretching area with carpet. I’ll be enjoying the energy from the sea breeze along with a different view of the sunrises and sunsets.
I’m not using Facebook any more, and I love it. I’ve got some new avenues I want to explore to express my creativity. I’m headed to Pinehurst again soon for an exciting excursion and a pretty steep personal test.
But most importantly, I am going to be 100% dedicated to within, who I am, and who I didn’t even know I could be, maybe for the first time in my almost 39 years of life.
There will be twists and turns, absolutely. There are a couple of off the beaten path explorations in Michigan and West Texas that I would love to pursue. But who knows? As the English novelist Margaret Drabble said, When nothing is sure, everything is possible.
And that is the real benefit of being open to life.
Have a great week.-Benj
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