“I’ve been working diligently towards this day for eight months.”- Benj
Six years ago (and the 37 years prior), I misunderstood what freedom really was. I’ve always craved a life of freedom, as I believe every human does, but I made a lot of external changes that I thought would offer me freedom. New career, new geography, new opportunities, new life. Some of it worked. Some of it didn’t. For a few years there, I WAS free, or so I thought.
Then, over the last few years, my activity went gangbusters, and I became bombarded with everything. Mostly good, just a lot, and I realized, it doesn’t matter what I do with my life or where I do it, I’m always going to be busy as shit building something or engaging with life. So as I’ve written about over the past few months, I needed to change my inner self to be able to handle all of the outer things I want to do. About eight months ago, I did, and I haven’t missed a single day since.
The rewards are staggering.
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There is a subtle difference between freedom and true freedom, and there is a massive difference between change and transformation. Turns out, I was looking for true freedom and transformation all along. Not to change careers or geographies, but to drop the silly boundaries and limitations I had created for myself.
Since nothing had truly worked in the preceding forty two years, eight months ago, I began my guided meditation and mindfulness exercises for roughly fifteen minutes a day, and the transformation began. The first few weeks were a little wild, but then I settled in and started feeling a calmness, stillness, and relaxation that I had never experienced. To say I was pleased would be an understatement. Everything in my life was exactly the same on the outside, but my reactions and perceptions began to be totally different.
It was a gradual process, so let me explain.
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Last Tuesday, I experienced total joy for the entire day. Not an ounce of stress, agitation, or any other negative emotion.
First thing, I had to take my three year old daughter to school, and she woke up fussing and fighting. A year ago that would have agitated me. Tuesday, I actually found myself laughing. After I dropped her off, I had about twenty minutes to spare before a doctor’s appointment. So I sat quietly and did my morning meditation right there in the parking lot. I might as well have been high when I entered the doctor’s office. They took my vitals, and I told the doctor that I felt the best I have ever felt in almost 43 years of life. She said everything looks perfect, so I left. I then drove about 45 minutes to Fallen Oak Golf Club, an exclusive club down on the Gulf Coast, for a match play event against one of my fellow professionals. I made three birdies in my first seven holes to grab a front nine lead, but I eventually got beat on the 17th hole. I wasn’t pissed, even slightly. I was grateful that I was playing high level golf at a beautiful course on a Tuesday midday.
To say I was hungry right after the match was an understatement. I was hangry, but without the angry. It was a new feeling as I sat patiently waiting amongst the million people that always seem to be at Chick-Fil-A. As much as I try not to woof down food now, it was gone in about 2.4 seconds. Nourished again, I turned on the Arsenal-PSG Champions League match and texted with my buddy Junior before drifting off into oblivion. It was 4pm.
I awoke when it was time to go to my son’s basketball game at 6pm. He has been working a ton at being more aggressive, and he just did a wonderful job. During the 3rd quarter I believe, just sitting quietly in the stands, I felt tears of immense pride in my eyes. That was different. We ended the night with a family sushi celebration meal, and I may have overeaten with excitement. After feeling an overfull belly in the middle of the night, I woke up with a new understanding.
Light and loose is a fantastic feeling. Full and heavy is less than desirable. I get it now, and I felt it for an entire day.
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Have a great week.-Benj
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